the beginning of forever

everything feels so wrong. i dont feel the same anymore. this new feeling scares me. i want to get back to how it used to be. i want to be innocent again.

from that point of time somewhere between 9.15pm to 10.00pm on 26th of march 2009, my life has changed forever. i cannot take what was said out of my mind. i never thought that this would come, but the way it was said makes it closer to what is inescapable.

i feel like an arrow has pierced my heart. right at the center. i felt suffocated. this cant be happening.

i love you ayah.
dont ever say it again.
i love you so much.
dont ever say it again.
i love you forever.
dont ever say it again...

now i see clearly the meaning of life. my eyes are wide open to the objective of it. i want to live it with all my might and to serve The Almighty forever. i feel so ashamed of myself. how ignorant i was. how pathetic i was. how small i was. and still am.

lets take this one moment at a time, shall we. we are humans. we do make mistakes. but we're suppose to counter them with taubat. lets start there. i will start there. i will..

about the letter i wrote. i wish i could write it again. i feel that i havent said what was suppose to be said. it lacked something. but what is that something? how do i explain it again with more compassion? however compassionate it was, it wasnt enough. i need more. show more. write more. give more.

i want to repeat those words again. those words i cherish. those words with deep meanings that can tear your heart apart. i want to cry reading it. cry with joy, with sadness, with pride. i want to do a lot of things. if only...

Ya Allah,
ampunkanlah dosa kedua ibu bapa ku.
sayangilah mereka sebagaimana mereka menyayangi ku semasa kecil

i want to repeat those words over and over again
i want to shout them out just to hear it out loud




i love you both.. like, seriously